Untitled #28

This week I have been doing a lot of "mush-mouth" singing and trying to be more conscious of how open my mouth is and how tense my jaw is.  I've been doing those stretches every time before I practice or sing and choir and it is wonderful.  I enjoy it so much it almost puts me to sleep because I am so relaxed.  I've been improving my lyrics and my memory on O Del Mio Dolce Ardor. I've also been trying to be more conscious of my mouth shape/space when I sing my vowels.  I don't understand why its so hard.  It doesn't seem like such a big thing...working on mouth space.  I just hate how weak it feels and then it makes me push, which isn't good either.  I just feel like I can't find a happy medium.  My jaw hurts when I hold it wide open through an entire song and I know if that's good either but I don't know if I'm just doing it wrong or if it'll go away with time and I'll just get used to it.  Ive been working on reward and this little rose.  Just the technical stuff mainly.  I've really been trying to conduct myself through it.  I don't know if I'm doing it right.  Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth it because I always end up getting off the beat.  I just feel like I'm waving my arm around for no apparent reason even though I need to do it.  I'm concentrating more on what my arm is doing than whats going on in the music and I miss stuff.  Obviously, doing two things at once is impossible for me.  It's so frustrating! I must be stupid or something! No one else seems to have the amount of problems and frustrations I feel right now!  I just feel like I'm not at the level I should be.  I cant even count or read music or conduct a simple stupid piece of music or play the piano or sing right!  Maybe I'm not meant for this music stuff. Uhg! Sometimes I'd rather jump off a building because I just feel so nervous/self-conscious and inadequate.  When I was younger I never cared about that stuff and now it scares me so bad.  I'll never give up I just feel like I changed and I don't know what to do about it.  Why do I care so much now?  Its good to care but it feels like it isn't helping me so much right now.  Its okay though...after spring break is over I will feel differently about it.  I'll be back to being cheerful again.  Sorry, I got off topic! I've been working more on the technical parts of reward and this little rose.  There are a few note confusions I have in this little rose and a few rhythm parts I need to work on especially.  I've also been writing the IPA for those two songs.  That'll help me prepare for my midterms in diction too:)